This is it!

My website is here!  I mean there. Well, it’s ready, and waiting for you anyway.

This is my last post here, so come follow me at:

www.rosecolouredlife.ca

To snorkel or to scuba? (a metaphor for life)

I am taking steps to get my life feeling good again.  When I first discovered coaching and thought work, I was unstoppable.  The universe opened to me.  I saw possibility, and even if I didn’t see possibility, I knew it was there.  I had faith that I’m going to follow my true purpose and it’s going to be and feel amazing.

I got lost.  I let it slip away. Now it’s been feeling like  possibility is the ocean, and I’m just a snorkeller.  I can see it, but I never get to dive down and be a part of it.  Because people say it’s dangerous to go down there.  Because my fears tell me to watch from a distance.

I’m vibrating my old default vibration.  Day-to-day busy-ness.  I’m here but not really.  I’ve stuck my hand out a few times for help.  Signed up for a bunch of shit.  Lots of tele-classes, tele-seminars, nothing that I actually stayed engaged in beyond the first couple of classes.  It’s not their fault.  I just wasn’t ready.  Or maybe what they were offering wasn’t what I really needed.

It’s not enough.  Living this way.  It can be so much better.  I know this because I saw it!  I lived it for about 6 months before my old patterns crept back in. 

So the question is why?  Why did I go back to my old habits?

I think it’s because of a few things. 

Number 1:  I didn’t foster my new lifestyle and new mindset.  Change needs to be nurtured for a long f***ing time I’ve found.  Not just a quick 180 degree switch.  It needs to be coddled.  Daily.

Number 2: I was scared.  I saw a new world, a new life open in front of me.  I let the fear create doubt.  I scoffed at myself for attempting something so grand, for attempting to live outside of the norm. Get back in line, missy!  Who are you to get all of that happiness?  Get back into your job, your routine, and get that DQ blizzard while you’re at it!  Head down, work hard.  Also, I was afraid of what my old life would think of my new life.  More specifically, I was afraid of what the people in my life would think.  More specifically, I was afraid of what my PARENTS would think.

So where am I now?  Well, I see that there is need for a change.  I see where I was when I was feeling the best.  That’s not where I am now.  I love myself a hell of a lot more than I used to, though.  Love for myself is something that stuck. (perhaps now I’ll work on the unconditional part)  I accept that things aren’t going to be super duper fun all of the time.  I do not, however, accept that my life is going to be like this forever.  I want more.   And I am ready to enter my best life again.

I’m going to need help and support.  This is how real change occurs.  With help.  That’s what we’re here for.  To support and love each other.  Good thing I know exactly where to find such things!

Here’s my team:

1.  Christine Kane:  I signed up for her Uplevel Your Life program last night.  I feel so good about this.  This speaks to my soul.  I know this is going to propel me into something wonderful, and I can’t wait to see what that is!

2. Weight Watchers: I am heavier than ever.  Coincidence?  HA!  It’s been creeping on for about a year (funny, that’s about when the old default vibe started to infiltrate again), with the big finish coming  after an all-inclusive week in Cuba. (buffet=barf)   So, I’m ready to let it go, and I need some technical support to get it done.  That’s where WW comes in.  I’ve used them in the past, so I know that it’s do-able, and can actually be enjoyable.  The tracking appeals to my left brain, that nerdy scientist in me.

3. Me.  I intend to clear out my junky thought patterns and beliefs (make some room for awesomeness as a coach).  Nobody can do that but me.  Losing weight is also an inside job.  TRUTH. Instead of only taking physical action with WW, I’m going to use what I know about nurturing my spirit, pleasure, metabolism, and being active to return my body to it’s natural weight.  I will journal, I will set intentions, I will examine the beliefs that led to the weight re-gain, and I will move my body by running, doing yoga, and dancing.

4.  Him.  Yes!  There is a him!  He’s new in town, so I don’t want to get too excited here (but I am pretty damn excited), so let’s just say he’s good.  He’s very good.  To me. And to everyone he knows.  This special person sees me, and likes what he sees.  He’s in tune with his spirit and the spirit world.  My kind of man.

It’s time to say f*** it to the snorkelling gear.  I’m goin scuba diving.

Love, Rose

ps.  This may be my last post here, my website is going to be up soon, and you’ll find all of the goods there. (It’s rosecolouredlife.ca.  Stay tuned, I’ll tell you when!)

How to wrestle…Hulk Hogan style…

I’ve been ignoring my coaching life again.  Why why why?  I’ve been filling my time with other things, also fun, but not coaching.  I’m feeling out of balance.  I’ve been having a lot of fun being out of balance though!  And that’s the thing, sometimes part of balance is being unbalanced for a spell.

Our brains are wired to detect differences.  Therefore, when things are status quo and balanced all the time, we lose interest or feel bored, or take it for granted.  It’s like walking into a room that smells like vanilla, and it’s so pleasant, but 10 minutes later, you can’t smell it anymore.  You only smell it again after you leave the room, and the scent lingers in your clothes.  So sometimes, we have to leave the room!  Venture out, and when the scent is gone, re-enter, re-enjoy…

So what’s the point?  I’m starting to see how this rest/play cycle goes.  Sometimes not doing what you really want to do helps you see why it’s important to go for it and live the life you want.  Sometimes getting down in the dumps and feeling the shitty gives you the appreciation and the enthousiasm to go out and get it.

You know how those crazy wrestlers bounce themselves off the ropes to get momentum?  Maybe that’s it.  Maybe leaning into the resistance, going in the opposite direction helps to propel you back toward the direction you want to go.

I get caught up in reading all the life coach’s statuses, they all seem to be ON all the time!  They’re welcoming new clients, loving life, just rockin shit out…. I compare myself to them, and I start to feel like a dud.  

What I must remember is that coaching is always there.  It’s not going anywhere.  It’s there for me to claim when the time is right.  I’m also learning that sometimes things happen without much effort, but to change a lifestyle requires daily practice.  If I want to be a coach, then spending time each day doing coaching stuff, reading, or working on my business, is the best way to get there.

I also know that everything is as it should be.  Always. 

Whether we are able to make sense of what’s going on with us or not, it is always exactly what should be happening.  Because it is.

And ps, look out, I’m going to launch my website in a few weeks, so my blog is moving over there!

Thoughts…and I can’t be tamed…

I haven’t been writing.  And the difference is obvious.  I haven’t been journalling, blogging, or writing thoughts down.  Yikes, no wonder my mind is full.

I’ve been feeling very scrambled.  Instead of doing all the things that I want to do, I’ve been acting like a rebellious child and eating and watching TV in bed.  HAHA.  I don’t even have a TV, but I have found my ways to watch shows that I don’t like on my computer.

However, I have started meditating in the morning and evening.  I am going to the gym.  I am going to salsa and bachata classes.  There are a lot of really cool things happening.  I am attending a weekly weight loss/meditation group, to learn more about coaching, and to benefit as well.

What I can see is that just “doing” isn’t enough to create a feeling.  The thoughts also have to be examined.  Lately I have had a bunch of stories floating around unquestioned.  I believe that this work has to be done, and then all of the things that I’m doing will feel even better.

When I am dancing salsa, it’s like there is nothing else.  I love every twist, every turn, every step.  This is where my essential self finds delight.  I am grateful to have found something that gives me this feeling.

I heard someone say yesterday that our bodies are our vessels with which our spirit moves through the world.  How can you not love it?  This form allows us to have the human experience.  That is such a blessing, and it makes it hard to believe that the majority of people are constantly looking at their bodies with disgust, judgment, even hatred.  Our bodies are innocent.  They are just a physical manifestation of what’s inside.  How sweet, and how simple.

The Ice Cream Test

Last night, after a large dinner that my brother and I cooked for my parents and aunt and uncle, we took a walk to find some Gelato.  My digestive system suggested to me, not too subtly, that I skip out on the dessert this time.

“What?”  I asked my stomach.  “Are you serious?  This has NEVER been done before. You don’t know what you’re asking of me.” 

“But of course I do.  And if you don’t listen to me, I will give you a sign much more blatant than a whisper.”

“Fine”

So, I gazed, from a distance,  at all 20-something flavours, as my caravan chose 2 flavours each.  Then we sat down, and they began scooping it down the hatch with those little plastic shovels.

Anxiety.  How do I interact with these gelato-scooping aliens?  How do I relate.  What do I look at?  I can’t just stare at their ice cream.  Then it will be obvious how much I want some, and they will feel obliged to offer.  It’s not polite to stare at their faces while they’re eating either.  What if they dribble on their chin and didn’t want anyone to notice?

So, I defaulted to the floor.  I noticed everyone’s shoes.  I complimented my uncle on his leather slip-on loafers.

I checked my cell phone, even though I knew nobody had called, texted, or anything. 

Thumb-twiddling. 

The situation was so foreign to me, being the only one without a treat.  The discomfort tells me something.  Something about how I use food to relate to people.  To be socially included.  Oh, and it’s not just food by the way.  The occasional cocktail/shot/pint have also been imbibed in service of this mission of social engagement.

Things that make you go “hmmmmm” and tap your face.

I encourage you to try this.  Next time everyone is stuffing themselves with dessert, just sit back and do not participate.  See if you can get away with it without, a “Hey, why aren’t you eating?  You’re making me feel bad about eating all this dessert.  Is something wrong?  Are you sick?  What are you, on a diet or something?”  (This could come from the people around you, or from inside your own mind)

If it makes you uncomfortable, you’ve hit on something.  Food is being used for something other than nourishment.

“I can’t live without you” and other loads of crap

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m ok.  As good as can be expected.”

“Really?  What’s wrong?”

“Well, I can’t be happy because you’re not with me.”

“Awwwwww.  That’s such a load of bullshit.  But I hope you feel better soon!”

Haha, that’s how it goes right? 

Or is it more like this:

 ”Oh, that is soooooo sweet.  We’ll be together again soon, and then you can be happy again.  I’m so glad your happiness depends on me, I finally feel needed.  In fact, this could be my life purpose!  Making you happy.  Thank you for loving me so much that you need me, and therefore make my life complete.”

No more!  And this post is not anywhere near what I’m going through at the moment, but I’ve seen a bit of this going around, and I just had to comment.

When I finally clued in to the fact that I am the only one who can make me happy, the world truly began to open itself.  I’m no longer a parasite.  I don’t require symbiosis to thrive.  It’s more like that elephant who’s best friend is a dog.  They don’t need each other, and they might not even make sense together, but they sure enjoy spending time together.

Rx 500

All smiles today.  Smiling from my liver, like Liz Gilbert in “Eat Pray Love”.

I’ve shifted gears.  No wait, actually I think I’m in a totally different car.

You may wonder how this happened.  Well, it’s hard to describe but I’ll try:

First of all, I learned how to feel the shitty.  All feelings are equal and want to be felt.  I learned how to love myself unconditionally even when I wasn’t super enthousiastic or inspired.  One of my coaching friends gave me a presription for how to feel unconditional love.  It’s called “the 500″.  Approximately 500 times a day, I repeat to myself “I approve of me”.  I’ve been doing this for about 2 weeks, and the difference is monumental.  I can look myself in the eye, or look at my naked body, and say “I approve of me.”  At first I didn’t mean it.  And that made me angry to say it.  But I stuck with it, and each day I felt my spirit lifting ever so slightly.

Pump it Up

I’ve been a shrinking Rose.   One of my friends said to me the other day, “What happened to the bold, saucy woman I knew?”  I thought to myself for a while, wondering where she was getting the wrong impression about me, but after a while, I asked myself the same question. 

What happened to my dream?  What happened to being courageous and stepping out of my zone?  I have purposely cut off most of my lifelines that were keeping me connected to the vision.  I stopped being active in my coaching class, participating only the bare minimum.  I booked more and more pharmacy work. 

Part of me has been hibernating out of fear.  I also couldn’t see my life as a coach anymore.  Moving forward when you can’t even imagine the future does not feel good.  So I stayed put.  There were times when I worried that it was gone and my life as a pharmacist will go on forever.  Most of the time, though, I knew that I would come around the bend sometime soon.  I couldn’t force it to happen, I just let the tide take me where it wanted me.

I feel like I’m waking up again.  I feel renewed.  My zest is back.  Zestfully me.  I’m starting to feel that boldness again.  That, hell yeah, I’m going to rock this, feeling.

I’m starting my business.  It’s happening.  I want to share with everyone how I came to this place.  This place of being able to access infinite love, unconditional love anytime.  For me. 

Watch out!

Holding the space

I recently had the opportunity to put into practice holding a space of peace, regardless of what happens around me.

I don’t often encounter people who I can’t stand being around, but I recently was granted the opportunity to spend a few hours with someone who elicits a reaction similar to walking through a garbage dump.  I just wanted to hold my breath and get the hell out of there.

Although part of me thinks those are hours of my life I’ll never get back, it was a great learning experience.

As he began to tell me all the things that are wrong with me, and that I shouldn’t be so self-centered, I moved into the place of the observer.  I was very aware of what was going on in my body.  There was one moment where I felt my temperature rise.  I was on the verge of going to my most unenlightened space, perhaps yelling and swearing, but the fact that I noticed it made it almost funny.

I saw the situation for what it was.  He felt like I was being judgmental, unfair, and close-minded, because I suggested that we should not see each other again.  He felt awful that I didn’t like him.  He didn’t want to leave, he wanted to change my mind, or get an explanation from me.

I saw early on that the way that I reason is so far from the way that he reasons, that there wasn’t even enough common ground to make my point.  So I just sat quietly, holding the space of peace, while he went on and on and on.  When he was done, I let him leave.  Actually, the truth is I told him to stop talking, because even as he was putting his shoes on, he was trying to justify his behaviour by blaming it on lack of sleep, and the fact that he has feelings for someone.

Normally I am very concerned when I think that someone doesn’t like me.  This time, I refused to let his words replay over and over in my mind.  The thoughts did come up a few times the next day, but I noticed them, and then let them go.

We choose who we let in.  When someone feels toxic, the best thing is to get them out of your space, mentally and physically as quickly as possible.

Something Old, Something New

I’m listening to my favourite songman right now, Burton Cummings.  It’s making me feel so good.  Sometimes I forget that a little BC is my free ticket to bliss.  His new website has all of his albums, and you can listen to the songs on each one.  What a treat!

It’s saturday morning (afternoon technically, but I’m still in bed), and I have nothing poignant to blog about, so I’m just going to tell you about last night.

I went to the Trapper.  The town watering hole.  People watchers, take note.  If you’re looking for a little entertainment, look no further than the Trapper.  Things get rolling at about 11:30.  Drunken old people, drunken young people, some parents are drinking with their kids.

Walking through the cloud of smoke created by the ever-present crowd of smokers at the front door is enough to leave the scent lingering in your hair all night.  There’s a $5 cover charge, get your hand stamped, and you’re in.  It’s so dark you can’t see who’s inside at first, until your eyes adjust.  The  band is butchering the lyrics to the classics, and it’s so loud that conversation is virtually impossible.

Time for a shot.  A round for the whole table, let’s do a lemon drop.  The guy’s (my friend’s friend) mom who came with us to the bar is gesturing and talking enthusiastically while spraying saliva all over my arm.  Less than 30 minutes, and she gets kicked out.  No staggering allowed, I guess.

Meet the moustache brothers.  Age 24 and 23, they are 11 months apart, they tell me.  They have matching moustaches.  Not the thick, full kind, either.  I think in high school we called them pimp-staches.  They tell me about their jobs, one works on the rigs, the other is doing carpentry.  We play pool, and I lose.  Badly.

The friend I came with is dancing up a storm to Lady GaGa on the floor, grinding up on whoever comes near.  I chuckle and make my way through the bar, looking for familiar faces.  I only know a handful of people, but I see someone I recognize from the last time I was here.  We played volleyball together.  He is a pilot, and introduces me to his pilot friends.   He asks for my number, saying that they could show me a fun time while I’m here.  Nice.

A while later, a man catches my eye.  He is different.  I saw him my first day here in March, at the gym.  I recognize him immediately, and keep my eye on him, he is jigging on the now packed dance floor.  Jigging is big here.  I ask my friend who he is.  She says his name is Geo, and he’s 19.  And, that is my cue.  I give my head a shake, and I’m outta here.